I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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