I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize