Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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