make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
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you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
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Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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