my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
