but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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