I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
