Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The ass gains better be worth it
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