Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he thought i was a dude.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
