Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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