My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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