You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
