my phone needs a breathalizer
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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