there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
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He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
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If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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