fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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