I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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