apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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