like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I think I sprained my soul last night
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
