um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
