I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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