he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We need to get me chipped asap
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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