i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
