ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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