Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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