wakey wakey hands off snakey
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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