I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
