I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
