It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
