One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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