Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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