Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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