Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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