I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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