We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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