I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
