I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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