twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
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