The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
