She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Are my feet made of real feet?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
