Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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