Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
