the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
