that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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