I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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