I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
did i walk over a car last night?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
