I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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