Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
