My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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