You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
