um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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