booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
