1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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