we're chasing vodka with high fives
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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