i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
