I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
