Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
